Hear You Me
by memellymoo
Summary: The people you need are always there when you need them the most. Carla. One-shot.


**TITLE:** Hear You Me.

 **AUTHOR:** memellymoo.

 **RATING:** PG13

 **DISCLAIMER:** I do not own Coronation Street or anything related to it, I'm just borrowing them for a short while, I promise to put them back when I'm finished.

 **SUMMARY:** The people you need are always there when you need them most. Carla one-shot.

 **AUTHORS NOTE:** The Five People You Meet In Heaven is one of my favourite books, and this was sort of inspired by that, only I couldn't bring myself to kill Carla, again.

" _I think that there is something beautiful about mortality_

 _It makes our decisions mean so much more."_

The sound of the hospital trolley being wheeled along the corridor echoed around her as she closed her eyes feeling slightly as if she was a prisoner on death row being wheeled down The Green Mile towards her death.

As she entered the operating theatre she could hear mumbled voices all around her, talking to each other in a language she didn't understand as they calculated doses, set infusions and prepared to put her to sleep.

"Stop. Please," she panicked.

A familiar face hovered over her as her consultant sat down on a stool beside her. "It's going to be ok," she tried to reassure her.

Carla wanted to believe her, to believe that she would get Aiden's kidney and everything would work out but she knew from past experience that things like that never happened to her, she was never the lucky one in the story. The girl who got the happy ever after.

"I…"

And then after that she doesn't remember anything until the bright lights that everyone sings about started to appear before her, looking down at her shoes she frowned as she spotted the black stiletto boots she hadn't worn in years, the boots that Paul had bought her on their first wedding anniversary.

"Where am I?" she asked as she looked around at the dark grey high rise building, the small park with its broken swing and trashed roundabout the seemed to go round and round on its own.

She could smell the cigarettes before she could see the smoke. Marlboro, the same brand the her mother always seemed to be able to afford no matter how broke they were. Blinking slowly she turned around as eyes, the mirror image of her own looked back at her, a wry smile crossing familiar lips as she took another drag from her cigarette.

"Home, not that I would expect you to recognize it," Sharon said, dropping the cigarette to the floor before crushing it under her boot clad foot.

Carla looked around at the memories of her childhood. "This isn't my home, this hasn't been my home for a long, long time."

"You were happy here once," Sharon tried to remind her.

"Was I?" Carla questioned, wondering how two people's memories of the same time could be so different.

Sharon walked over to the swings and sat down, waiting for Carla to join her. "I remember I used to bring you here, back when it was just you and me, before Rob and George came along. Johnny would meet us sometimes too."

"I don't remember that," Carla whispered as she tried to wrap her head around what was going on, one minute she was in the operating theatre and the next she was sat on the swings with her mother in a place she hadn't been back to in decades.

"Am I dead?" Carla wondered out loud.

Sharon lit up another cigarette. "Am I?"

"Yes," Carla admitted. "For quite a few years now."

"Did you go to my funeral?" Sharon asked, her eyes suddenly nervous, uncertain.

Carla didn't want to talk about the past, she hated it, everything about that period in her life when she was with Frank.

"Am I dead?" she asked again.

"I don't know," Sharon admitted. "I don't think so."

Carla stood up and began to pace back and forth in front of the swing. "If I was dead and this was heaven or … whatever … why would I choose to see you? Out of all the people that my mind could have conjured up … why you?"

"Maybe we have unfinished business," Sharon shrugged.

"You mean like how you lied to me for decades about who my father really was," Carla accused, anger rising steadily within her.

Sharon looked down at the floor. "Who let that cat out the bag?"

"Rob," Carla spat.

Sharon looked up, immediately sensing the venom in her daughters voice as she spoke his name. "What has he done to upset you now?"

"Killed the babysitter that was screwing my husband, well at least that's the headline version anyway," Carla told her as she sat back down on the swing, kicking angrily against the hard mud ground.

"Wow," Sharon breathed, not knowing what else to say.

Carla shook her head. "I don't want to talk about it. Why didn't you tell me?"

"Believe it or not I thought I was doing the right thing, Johnny didn't want to be your dad, he had his own life with Lou, a life that we didn't fit into, I thought it was better for you to never know than to always feel second best," Sharon admitted, showing more humanity towards her daughter than Carla could ever remember.

Stunned Carla didn't know what to say. "You should have told me, if not when I was a kid when I was older … old enough to make up my own mind."

"When?" Sharon questioned. "The minute you were old enough you were out of here and shacked up with that Connor family … the other Connor family," she reminded her.

" I was still around," Carla pointed out.

"So was I," Sharon echoed. "You didn't want me in your life Carla … I was an embarrassment to you and I don't blame you, I was hardly mother of the year material now was I … but I loved you … if you take one thing away from this let it be that."

Carla looked over at the building on the far left, her eyes counting up until she reached the seventh floor. "Do you remember my thirteenth birthday?"

"No," Sharon admitted, her eyes clouding over in shame.

"I don't suppose you do, you were so wasted all day that you ruined my cake, stole my money, ripped my dress and then kicked me out onto the streets so you could have some friends over. I walked around for hours, sobbing until Michelle and her mother found me … you see Lou had seen me walking around on my own in the rain with no shoes or coat on … she called Barry and Helen and Helen came to find me. They bought me a cake and even treated us all to takeaway … Chelle kept apologizing, kept saying she was sorry … sorry that I had a shit mum when hers was so damn perfect … it wasn't her fault … and I know now that it wasn't mine either but back them I thought it was, that if I was prettier or smarter or funnier then perhaps you would love me more … but it doesn't work like that does it," Carla laughed bitterly too tired to even cry.

Sharon wiped at her eyes. "I'm sorry."

"Bit late for that now isn't it, I mean you're dead, there's not really a whole lot we can do about the past really is there," Carla reminded her.

"I never wanted children," Sharon admitted. "It just kind of happened …. But I did love you, both of you I just didn't know how to show it," she tried to explain.

Carla looked across at the baby swings. "I never wanted children either. And then I fell pregnant and at first I still didn't want it … her … but then things changed and I wanted it so much, I wanted to give her all the things I never had, the child hood you could never bring yourself to let us have but it wasn't meant to be … one minute she was there, growing inside me and then the next she was gone … poof … like she never existed … people don't know what to say when that happens, so they just don't talk about it and then over time it was like she was never there that those 18 weeks I carried her inside me for didn't matter … but it did … because I remember … every day for just a few seconds when I first wake up I think she might still be there … and then I remember and it's like losing her all over again."

"I-"

"I never got to hear my daughter cry, laugh or learn to talk but I was still her mother, even though I never got to meet her she was still mine, my little-girl … why couldn't you love me like that? Why?" Carla pleaded, desperate for an answer.

Sharon watched as her daughter rubbed her hands against her face in a bid to stop herself from crying. "Because in order to love like that you have to love yourself."

"You know actually I pity you because that love … that love I had for her it's the greatest love I have ever experienced and you missed out on it … you missed out on me," Carla said standing up and walking towards the roundabout.

"I love you," Sharon called out after her. "Please, please believe that."

Carla turned around to say something but her mother was gone, in fact it was all gone the high rises were no longer surrounding her, the swings had disappeared and instead of standing in a muddy park she now had solid wood floors beneath her feet.

Hearing the sound of someone clearing their throat she turned around to find Paul sat on the sofa with one leg resting against the other just like he always used to.

"Great … what trip down memory lane is my … subconscious or whatever going to put me through now," she whispered to herself as she moved to sit down next to him.

"Am I dead?"she asked him, just like she had asked her mother moments earlier.

"Am I?" Paul asked, sending shivers of déjà-vu down Carla's spine.

Carla laughed to herself. "Yes."

"And that's funny to you?" Paul asked with a frown.

"No," Carla admitted. "Nothing about you dying was remotely funny … but this situation … this is hilarious."

Paul shifted slightly so he was facing her. "Glad to be of some amusement."

"Did you ever love me?" Carla suddenly asked, breaking the silence between them.

Paul licked his lips, just like he always used to when he was avoiding her questions or trying to come up with a plausible lie. "Did you ever love me?"

"You can't answer a question with a question," Carla said.

"Looks like I'm not the only one avoiding the answer," Paul pointed out.

Carla looked around at the flat, it was just like it was when they lived there, together. "I did. For a little while and then it became comfortable and I think I was more in love with the idea of us than I was with you. In the happy marriage, the nice house, fancy car, steady income, dinners together in the evening, date nights … I was in love with everything that came with being married to you more than I was in love with you and I don't just mean the material things but the stability, the knowing there would always be someone to come home to, someone to miss me if I didn't come home, you see I never had that as child but I had it with you, so I convinced myself that I was in love you when really … "

"Yes," Paul said, breaking the silence when she didn't continue.

"Yes what?" Carla asked, needing him to elaborate.

"I loved you," Paul admitted. "I still do, always will."

Carla shook her head. "Well you had a funny way of showing it, or have you forgotten about the events leading up to your death … god there's a sentence I never thought I would have to say."

"I remember," Paul breathed not wanting to but knowing that it was something they had to talk about. "And I'm sorry."

"So am I, for not loving you enough, perhaps if I had you wouldn't have thought you had to pay for it elsewhere and I you hadn't of done that then maybe you would have still been alive," Carla whispered.

Paul shook his head. "No. You were enough for me, even though I wasn't enough for you, you were for me … but then we stopped having sex … at least like we used to and I started to think that it was me, that I wasn't attractive enough or …enough for you … so I thought perhaps if I … I don't know … saying it out loud I realize just how stupid I was … I think the truth of the matter is I wasn't thinking … at least not about the consequences."

"I understand," Carla reassured him and in a way she did understand what he was trying to say.

"How have you been?" Paul asked, changing the subject slightly.

Carla couldn't help but laugh. "You mean you don't read the news up here … down here … in here … wherever the hell this is we are."

"I know nothing about what has happened, the minute my heart stopped … so did knowing … but I'm guessing this is your subconscious so you must have had me ask you that for a reason," Paul pointed out.

Confused Carla shook her head. "No way. There is absolutely no way I would chose to relive the past decade of my life since you."

"It can't have been that bad," Paul said, having no idea of the events that had transpired.

Knowing that if she didn't laugh she would cry Carla let out a bitter, cynical chuckle. "Let's see there was Liam. Now dead. Tony. Killed Liam, tried to kill me. Now also dead. Then there was Frank. Raped me, walked free. Now also dead. Then Peter who cheated on me with the babysitter, who is now dead, killed by my brother who is now in prison… although Peter is very much alive although the same can't be said for our baby girl who I miscarried at nearly 5 months gone and then there was Nick, I cheated on him, he found out, I moved away, he left town, I moved back and now I'm … I think … in an operating theatre about to receive a kidney from the other brother … who I didn't know was my brother until a few years ago so … yeah … it's been peachy."

"Liam's dead?" Paul asked, genuinely devastated.

Carla looked up at him suddenly realizing her mistake. "Oh god, sorry I never should have told you like that."

"When?" Paul needed to know.

"A few years after you," Carla told him, her voice taking on a slightly softer edge.

"And Michelle?" Paul asked. "How's she?"

Carla nodded a small smile creeping across her lips as she thought of her best friend. "She's good. Probably sat in the relatives room going mad, she never was the most patient was she?"

"She was better than you," Paul joked.

"True," Carla admitted. "She's happy, things were tough for a while, she had a little boy Ruari … he was born early and didn't make it but she's tough and … she's good, things are good for her. Which is why I better not be dead because she's been through enough, she wouldn't be able to deal with saying goodbye to someone else she cared about."

Paul could see the genuine affection in her eyes. "So you two are close then?"

"She's one if not the most important person in my life," Carla admitted. "She's pretty mad at me right now though."

"Why?" Paul wondered.

"Because I didn't tell her that I was sick," Carla admitted.

"Why?" Paul asked.

Carla shook her head. "I don't know really … I didn't want anyone to know … I guess I didn't want them to see me as weak."

"I may not have been around," Paul began. "But I think I can say hand on heart that if there's one thing you never have been or never will be then it's weak. You're one of the strongest people I know."

"Doesn't feel like it sometimes," Carla confessed. "Especially right now, I mean even my own body has given up on me."

"Illness has nothing to do with strength, in fact stuff like this, it just makes you stronger right?" Paul tried, needing her to know just how much he meant it.

Carla laughed. "At least that's what the song says anyway."

"Why do you always do that?" Paul asked.

"Do what?" Carla replied.

"Cover up your true feelings with a joke, you've been doing it since we were kids," Paul remembered.

Carla thought about what he was saying for a few minutes before answering. "Because sometimes it's the only way I think I manage to stop myself from going mad."

"You know it might help if you let people in sometimes, admitted that you're not an island," Paul suggested.

"Full of the clichés aren't you, are you working for hallmark now?" Carla retorted.

Paul shook his head. "See there you go again."

"It just … happens," Carla sighed as the doorbell rang.

As Paul got up to answer the doorbell Carla leaned back in the chair, closing her eyes as she heard mumbled voices coming from the door, opening her eyes to see who it was she frowned as she found herself sat in her office at Underworld.

Standing up she shook her head. "You better not be conjuring up who I think you are," she muttered to herself as she stepped out of the office expecting to find Liam, Tony or even Frank on the factory floor, instead she was greeted with the sight of Hayley, sat at her machine sewing a pair of bright red knickers.

"Hales," Carla cried running over and wrapping her arms around her old friend.

"Please don't ask me if you're dead," Hayley ordered as she finished stitching the knickers and handed them to Carla.

Carla pulled across stool and sat down next to her. "I've missed you."

"I've missed me too," Hayley agreed.

"So much has happened Hales … so much that you should have been here for, that I needed you here for," Carla admitted.

Hayley took hold of her friend's hand, her eyes bright with unshed tears. "She's beautiful, your little-girl … and she's happy, really happy."

"You've seen her?" Carla asked, her voice barely a whisper.

Slowly Hayley nodded. "You need to move on though Carla, let yourself believe in life again, it's what she wants for you."

"I-"

"You're holding back and then when you let go … you hit self destruct and hurt yourself before anyone has the chance to hurt you," Hayley told her, hating that her friend was hurting so much.

Carla shook her head, tears falling freely down her face. "That's not true."

"Nick. You loved him, he loved you, everything was going well and that scared you, so much so that at the first opportunity you did the one thing you knew would destroy it, you cheated on him," Hayley reminded her.

"It wasn't like that, I was angry … I had just found out about Johnny I was angry, drunk …not thinking," Carla argued.

"Maybe not consciously Carla but somewhere deep inside it's all about not letting yourself get hurt," Hayley tried, needing Carla to know that it was time to let go of the past.

"I-"

"What happened with Frank, Peter, your daughter because that's what she was Carla - even though she was never born she was still your daughter – it was horrible, heartbreaking and would have destroyed most people but you're not most people Carla you're Carla Connor one of the most resilient people I know," Hayley said, tightening her grip on the other woman's hand.

Carla looked down at her stomach. "My body is failing me Hayley."

"It hasn't given up yet though, it's still fighting Carla just like you should be," Hayley told her hating to see her friend so beaten.

"I'm here aren't I, isn't that what this kidney transplant is all about, fighting?" Carla argued.

Hayley waited for a few breaths before talking. "On the outside, maybe. However you forget I know you ... the fire, it isn't there it's like you are just leaving your future up to fate, that isn't you, you have never left anything up to fate before."

"I-"

"Why didn't you tell anyone?"Hayley wondered.

"Because I didn't want them to worry," Carla hedged.

Hayley took Carla gently by the face so she had no choice but to look her straight in the eye. "Or is it because you know that once everyone was in on it that they would see through you, see that you had already given up before the final whistle had been blown."

"Football analogies? Really Hales?" Carla smiled.

"Stop deflecting," Hayley warned.

"Not you too," Carla rolled her eyes, remembering her earlier conversation with Paul.

Hayley sighed. "Your life isn't over Carla, I know you keep saying you don't want to die well if that's true start fighting, really fighting … Roy is an incredible man … the greatest man … but living with him, giving up control of the factory … it's like you've already made up your mind that you're not going to survive this, that's why you're not making plans for the future, making sure everyone else is ok. But what about your future Carla?"

"I don't know what I want anymore," Carla finally admitted. "I thought I did. But now I don't even know if Underworld is my future anymore, or Wetherfield for that matter … I know everyone is here … everyone I love but there's also so many ghosts, so much heartache."

"All that matters is that you believe that you have, where ever it may be, whoever it may be with … you have one Carla, a beautiful, bright healthy future full of everything that you deserve," Hayley promised her.

"I wish you could come back with me," Carla whispered.

Hayley leaned forward, placing a gentle kiss on Carla's forehead. "It's not my time anymore, my place is here. Give Roy a kiss for me," she asked.

"Give my daughter a kiss for me," Carla echoed.

"I do," Hayley assured. "Every day."

Carla stood up, her eyes never leaving her friend. "I miss you."

"I know. But you need to move on from everything Carla, you can miss people and everything that's happened to you it's … soul destroying but you're stronger than your past events Carla," Hayley finished, letting go of her hand.

"I want this Hayley, I want to live," Carla vowed, realizing that Hayley was right, she needed to let go and believe she had a future brighter than her past.

As she turned around Hayley gently patted her on the back. "Then go. Live."


End file.
